300 books           10 Judges            1 winner

The 1st of June marked the start of the sixth Self Published Fantasy Blog Off (details here.)  Whilst the competition is taking part I’d like to post excerpts from some of the books that have entered the contest.  If you’d like to make use of this space to post a teaser to entice readers then let me know in the comments.

Today’s teaser comes from one of the books in my allocated batch : The Hammer Of The Gods: So You Want To Be A Star (The Druid Trilogy #1) by Andrew Marc Rowe:

** Excerpt **

What the King had not known until his conversation with that unknown goblin earlier was who exactly it was the goblins had to blame for their ineptitude with arms. Because the goblins did bear them, and with great panache. They put swords on their belts, axes on their backs, bows in their hands. But these were more akin to decoration than anything of practical value. Goblins thought they could scare off humans with a mere fierce appearance. Which worked only some of the time. The other times, the green humanoids were slaughtered where they stood. All for the delight of Gluttor, Lord of Pain.

Their beloved god: the very reason why they could not master their weapons. It was Gluttor who had been undermining the goblins in their efforts to defend themselves from the humans of Albion. He loved to see his flock suffer (which, truth be told, most of the goblins rather enjoyed as well). But after what had happened with King Arthur and his knights on Cambria, it had become clear to the Goblin King that the very survival of the Horde depended on something fundamental changing. Which meant adoption of one of these human gods.

But they were all so focused on human ideals of beauty and love… which was absolutely anathema to the green-skinned bunch. There was no god of gambling, no god of suffering. All of the things the goblins held dear were not represented among these humans of the Blessed Isles. The monks who worshiped this One True God, the ones who self-flagellated and screeched doom and burned down buildings seemed an alright sort at first, until the King realized that their agenda included pushing every living thing towards a life of celibacy, whereas the goblins reveled in their sexuality. Cernunnos, the Horned One, seemed like he might be a good candidate to align themselves with, or perhaps The Morrigan, goddess of war. But Cernunnos cared for little else aside from sex and The Morrigan, also a beauty deity, could not abide the ugliness of the goblins. The King had almost struck a deal with Clapperleg, god of death, until the pale-skinned monstrosity told him exactly what the cost of his blessing was.

This new god, the one who had sent that goblin to the castle earlier that day, perhaps this god was the one. It was not of these lands, this deity. It had come from somewhere far to the south, an arid desert where nothing grew. According to the envoy, this god was the enemy to all things fair, a patron of the ugly, the monstrous, the sinful. It could give the Horde power over magic, make them warriors, turn them into a self-sufficient force of nature which would no longer be pushed around by these humans. By swearing the blood oath to Dagon, the Goblin King could finally get his revenge against Arthur of Camelot.

The King picked up the knife for the umpteenth time that night. The scratchings on the metal of the black blade were unfamiliar, but there was a sensation that accompanied putting it into his hand that simply sung to the goblin regent. He felt intimately familiar with the implement, as if he had been using it to cut his morning pork since he was a boy. He opened his palm to regard the wrapping of the handle. Grey and fraying, the cloth looked as if it had been around since the dawn of time. On the pommel, a piece of bone had been carved into the image of some strange tentacled amorphous thing. Jelly-like and without hard edges, it looked as though it were some kind of gelatinous creature that washed up on the beaches of Albion from time to time.

The King made a grimace of determination, closed his hand, stood, and swayed for a moment. Then he looked down at the mug, picked it up, and downed the dregs. He was in uncharted territory now, the King mused to himself as he set the mug down. He was about to go where no goblin had gone before. Aside for, perhaps, the goblin who had given him the dagger in the first place, though he might not have actually been a goblin. He disappeared into a puff of orange smoke after he gave his speech and delivered the thing. The Queen had made him promise that he would not use the dagger before she went to sleep, that, no matter the danger to the Horde from the humans, he would stay true to the traditions of goblinkind.

The King had gripped the blade and the lie had come to him so easily. He promised he would throw the thing into the lake in the morning. He might yet, the King acknowledged to himself. But not before he completed the ritual.

The Goblin King looked on the snoring form of his wife once more. What was it the envoy had said to him, some title in a foreign language that slipped off the tongue like rendered pig fat? He was the Goblin King, but with Dagon, he could become… El Goblerino. The King liked that.

The King liked that very much.

***ends***

Here’s a link to the book’s Amazon page: https://www.amazon.com/Hammer-Gods-Want-Druid-Trilogy-ebook/dp/B088TWL8TX/

A link to the author’s page is here.

And, finally, here’s the description for the book plus the cover:

It’s Hammer Time!

Pitted against a perverse pantheon of warring deities, Gudleik Sigbjornsson and Rosmerta O’Ceallaigh are two dreamers living worlds apart, hoping to create a better life for themselves by following their dreams. It won’t be easy: Gudleik’s soul is the battleground between two gods of Asgard. And Rosmerta is supposed to do as her parents have done: offer her life to the service of an ancient Celtic fertility god. But the gods are only half of it… the biggest foes the two will face are to be found within their own minds.

Can Gudleik overcome the ugly blessing of a trickster god and prevent Ragnarok? Will Rosmerta find the courage to forge a new path? Will there be a whole load of dirty jokes and comments on the human condition?

Yes, yes, there will be… to that one, the third question.

Also, check dis out: there is a bunch about Merlyn and King Arthur of Camelot, a Goblin King, an ancient fell jellyfish god, encroaching Christian zealots, characters whose proclivities are too crude to mention here, because, well, gotta make the advertising copy pop, you know?

An epic fantasy comedy as blue as the cover art, get your copy of The Hammer Of The Gods today!

My thanks to the author for submitting an excerpt.

If any other entrants would like to post an excerpt let me know in the comments 😀